I have the Q.. do you have the A?

So, that’s how long it has been since I’ve had my last cigarette. Honestly, time flew by. But, I feel worse now that I’ve quit than I did when I smoked!

My chest is so tight. Im wheezing all day long. My chest rattles. My nose is clogged on and off, but mainly just at night. (Clear)

I went to my dr on monday. He told me that I need to double the amount of times I take my nebulizer to 4 and to use my rescue inhaler every 2 hours. He also said I have the “flu” that’s going around. Ive been doing just what he said but I still can’t breathe.

My question to you all is, have you ever experienced this if you quit smoking? Ive smoked for 17 years. I have asthma and unfortunately about 2 years ago I was diagnosed with mild COPD.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

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Written with tears 😥

It’s not fair.

Why do the good people suffer while the people who mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically abuse others get away scott free?

Why do people who fight with all they have, feel such pain and anguish?

Life is not fair. I know we hear that and say it all the time, but tonight it weighs heavily on my mind, and my heart.

Tonight I lost a friend to cancer.

Tonight I lost someone who treated me like I was worth so much, to cancer.

Tonight I lost a friend whom my daughter looked up to and absolutely adored.

I know we all eventually pass on, but you always think of it as something that happens when you’re older, not at the prime of your life. You think, this wont happen to me, or this wont happen to anyone I know. Nothing like this will happen a month before your 25th wedding anniversary. This doesn’t happen to people who have a heart of gold.

I feel like shit because I didn’t go see her one last time, last night, when her husband said we could. I was being selfish. I didn’t want to feel pain when I saw her. I didn’t want her to not remember me and be confused when she saw me. I wanted my memories of her to be happy ones. Plain and simple, I was thinking of myself, as usual, not anyone else. Now I regret it. I knew I would. It was on my mind all night last night too….

I thought about her often. We only talked a few times since I had moved on to another job. She was always there when I would shoot a quick hello text.

All evening, since I found out, I’ve been sitting at work, tears randomly running down my face while I remember all the good times and the laughs we had when it was just her and I at work. I wasnt treated very nicely by people at work, but she always stuck up for me and told me to not give up, just ignore them! The people who were not so nice to me, she was also friends with. She saw the good in everyone. She was so giving. She was so strong.

She fought this cancer and was so positive, all the while making sure everyone else was good. She put everyone before herself and that’s how you know someone is a genuinely good person.

I remember when she had surgery. She had to have her second craniotomy surgery 3 months after I started my position. I was so worried about her, yet a week later she was in the office saying hi, rocking half of her head shaved. She couldn’t wait to get back to work.

Her spunk and great nature was contagious. It was impossible to not like her or think badly about her. She was an amazing person!

I think out of anything, she should want someone to learn from her story. Don’t go out in the sun without SPF on. Don’t go fake bake. If you want some color, rub it on out of a tube. There is not one time I think about her when I’m outside in the sun.  I apply sunscreen to my children more than needed. I tell everyone I know, that they need to use sunscreen or not fake bake. Its so bad for you. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what my friend went through. I don’t want anyone to have to feel all of the emotions that her husband, family and friends felt. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and I don’t think she would either.

The hardest part of this, was telling my baby girl that someone she adored and called a friend had passed away. No mother wants to break their babies heart. No mother wants to see their child sad and know that all you can do is just hold and hug them while you both cry.

Melanoma can kiss my ass!

I love you Autumn. I will never forget you. I will never forget what you did for me as well as Lilly. I’m being selfish by saying I wish you were still here but I’m so glad you’re out of pain now. Go raise hell up in heaven!

Rest in paradise my friend…. until we meet again…

14 Days Clean of Nicotine

These last few days have had their ups and downs. I made a major life change and I feel great. Work has been going great as well! I figured I would post an update since it has been awhile since my last post.

I applied for a full-time position at work last Monday. I’ve been keeping my fingers and toes crossed all week. I’ve been waiting for the call, and I’m hoping I get it in the next week or so. I’ve been working full time hours for a supervisor who is out on medical leave. I am at the group home that I enjoy the most, so work has been great!

My car is finally back on the road again. I had the serpentine belt break on me last Friday. My poor husband about broke himself trying to put the new one in. He was black up to his elbows for a few days. I couldn’t help but giggle every time I saw him. Two days later, my car was down again. This time, we just parked it in the Car Shop parking lot where we get all our work done and called the owner to tell him it was there. He had the car fixed and ready to go the next day! Best Mechanic out there!

I made a huge life change 2 week ago today. I had my last Cigarette on September 7th at 8am. I’ve tried quitting a million times and each time I end up cheating and back to smoking. For 17 years I’ve killed my lungs a little more each day. I have been having issues with my breathing this last year. I was waking up in the middle of the night needing either my nebulizer or a quick hit of my inhaler. I finally said to myself, “enough is enough!”. Back in 2014 I was diagnosed with mild COPD. I also have asthma and when I was in my early teen years, I saw a doctor to be tested for allergies. I tested positive for cigarette smoke. There are just so many reasons why quitting was my only option.

I feel so much better. It is hard to describe how I feel. I’m breathing better. I have not done a breathing treatment since I stopped, and I have only taken my inhaler a few times. I don’t find myself huffing and puffing when cleaning the house and going up and down the stairs. Its an amazing feeling. I use an app called ‘Smoke Free’. It tells you how long you’ve been smoke free, what changes are going on with your body because you quit and how much money you have saved over the course of your smoke free days. I use the free version but there is a paid version that includes badges that you can earn as well as helpful pointers and in-sites. Here is a link to this app. Check it out! https://smokefreeapp.com/

One downfall with this… I have been snacking more. I had a feeling this would happen. I think to myself every time I open the snack cupboard, “Do I really need this??”. I’ve stopped myself a few times, but there are also times I just binge.

So, with that being said, I downloaded the ‘Lose It’ app again. This app is amazing. You can track your calorie intake as well as water consumption and exercise. I’ve used it in the past but like most things I start, I gave up. There is an option to put in your height and weight and set a goal weight. Lost It will help you make smart decisions on what you eat and when you eat. You can do all of this with the FREE version. When you purchase the premium version, you get more options such as carbohydrate tracking, eating patterns, macronutrient tracking as well as an option to track your sleeping. It is worth the extra few dollars a month if you are 100% ready to lose weight! What are some apps you prefer to use? Any tricks to losing weight quick?

Here is the link for the lose it app. Check out their website and see if this is something that will work for you with your lifestyle in mind. https://www.loseit.com/

I finally have a few days off until my next long week. My plans are to just relax on the couch, catch up on my Netflix shows and work in my adult coloring book! (new addiction!) I hope you all have a great weekend. I may post again! Keep your eyes peeled and if you want to subscribe via email, click the ‘Hit Me’ button at the bottom of the page! I look forward to keeping you reading!

 

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Digging out the history Posts

I’ve slowly been adding to my bullet journal over the past few days.  I haven’t done much but here are some of the new spreads I’ve worked on.

 

The first is is a layout for my professional development. I added to this some ideas for having a positive work environment and to help me throughout my shifts.

The second is my master cleaning this.  I separated this by room and added the major things that need done.

The third is going to be my hardest to keep up with.  I am slowly trying to save money so we can have a vacation along NJ beach again.  This was one of the top vacations we have ever taken. I will be trying my hardest to save for this.  I have included random numbers and as I put that certain amount into our savings jar, I will mark off that amount.

Master grocery list.  It may look simple, but this has all of the food and necessities we buy on a regular basis.  I don’t know about you guys, but I have major brain farts when I’m rushing to make a list before we run out the door. I can just look at this real quick as a reminder.

The last is quite important for me. It is my Personal development plan.  I have included in this things that I’d like to work on as well as self care.  I refer to this frequently.

I am on a long work week this week so I will add as I go and keep you all updated.

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It’s only a bad moment…

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It’s like I can’t catch a break.

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I had a friend tell me one day at work, a very busy stressful day at work, that its not a bad day or a bad life, it’s a bad moment. I frequently remind myself of this, but there are days it doesn’t seem to help.

I work at a job where I make my own schedule. Its nice for when I need a day off or want to go on vacation, but there are other problems that arise when you have a job like this. For instance, I had my schedule set to have 40 hours in 4 days while filling in for someone. For some reason or another, things fell through and since it was such last minute, I ended up with only 8 hours one week and about12 the next. It really hurt us financially. But it was something out of my control.

It made me feel like I was putting strain and more stress on my husband because now we were short money and it was all thrown on his shoulders to not only work overtime, but to hold up my end of the boat as well. This really depressed me.

I finally got a full week in this last week. It wasn’t a full 40 hours, but close to it. I had such a good day yesterday. I cleaned, finished dishes and laundry and even made brownie for after school and work.

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We were out of milk, so my daughter and I were running to Wally World to grab some. Half way there my car started making a thud noise under what seemed the passenger side. I thought I blew a tire. I was on the highway so there was only one place to pull over, in between the four lanes, surrounded by traffic flying by on both sides of the car. Immediately my anxiety went from non-existent to 10. It took all I had to not just sit there and cry, so I called my dad.

My parents are amazing people. Always there when I need them. My dad left work to come see what was going on. All my tires were fine, so I looked under the hood. I didn’t know at the time what belt it was, but there were pieces of shredded belt all over on the left side of the engine. I just got back into my car and sat there, swearing under my breath and making pointless conversation with my daughter to keep myself busy, trying to avoid a panic attack.

We sat in the middle of the highway for about 25 minutes. I had a friend message me to see if I was ok and one person, a younger teenage kid stops to see if I was ok. That’s it. I’ve honestly lost all faith in humanity. Not one other person stopped to see if a woman and her child were ok. Honestly made me even more mad.

When my dad got there, he checked it out and told me that my serpentine belt had basically started peeling away. Every time I started my car a little more would fall off. We finally got it to the point where no more was coming off, so my dad told me to get the car home (about 4 miles) and park it until my hubby could replace the belt. I made it about 2 miles and the whole belt was gone. Not having a serpentine belt means, no power steering, AC, water pump and much more. Thankfully I right by a local playground and could just pull into that parking lot. The friend who had text me before showed up a few minutes later while in the middle of the highway and agreed to follow me home, just in case. I was a nervous wreck driving my car. I can afford a new belt, not a new engine. He had a friend who was willing to tow mu car home for $30 bucks and we caught a ride home with my friend.

I felt like bawling my eyes out but didn’t want to break down in front of my kids. I was all sweaty from dealing with the car and digging in the engine in my car that I decided to take a shower. I turned on my music, cranked the volume and used the shower as my comfort zone to shed a few tears. Only last about 2 minutes though. You know how you see all those crazy memes about mothers not being able to go to the bathroom alone because the kids want in? well yeah, my daughter had to go potty…. So much for that. I finished my shower and went into my room, took a PRN for my anxiety and watched some music videos until it was time to call my husband and break the news to him.

At this point my husband had no idea any of this had happened. I was so upset, and I was embarrassed. I was worried about him being upset because I had a shitty paycheck and now we have another thing to pay for. I called and got quotes on new serpentine belts and even talked to my neighbor friend to see if he could help my husband change this belt. I tried to make is as easy as I could so try to lesson the blow when I finally did tell him. He seemed ok when He got home but wasn’t as talkative as normal. One thing that is honestly awesome about my husband and I is that we don’t fight. We really don’t. He’s so laid back. I’m usually the one saying something snotty and he just ignores it. I got very lucky.

Today I woke up late, about 10:30am. It felt good to sleep in. As soon as I came downstairs though, the first thing I saw was one of my husband’s new sneakers chewed by our new dog in the middle of the floor. So much for a good day. I decided I’m just going to sit here, watch some Ghost Adventures and color in my adult coloring book. I’m already done with today.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

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